I wrote this awhile ago and debated about whether to post it or not. I think it's important to tell this part of my story, even if only one person can be blessed in knowing that, if they have had a similar experience, they are not alone - that we all struggle in similar ways and need people to let us know that what happened to us really matters.
It's been awhile since we left our first church home. I've been processing a lot of things in the past 2 1/2 years since we left. There were many difficult circumstances that caused us to decide to completely walk away from a place that we had been invested in for most of our married lives (my husband since he was 9 years old.) It wasn't an easy decision. It wasn't a black & white choice. There were many factors, there were pros and cons in our leaving this church.
We gave up a lot when we left. I walked away from being on Worship Team and sharing special music - which gave me so much joy. I walked away from participating in a Women's Care group - which is one of my passions. My husband walked away from working with the boys in a mid-week program - something he really enjoyed. We walked away from a place where we would see parents and grandparents each week. We walked away from being around familiar faces, kind people and good friends. We walked away from activities that we enjoyed. We walked away from all we had come to know as church.
We walked away because we felt it was the right choice - but certainly not the easy one.
We tried to address the issues that we felt were not right. We didn't do it perfectly - we did it as we thought we should. Imperfectly. Humanly. Flawed, but with good hearts. We didn't feel that anyone was really hearing what we were saying. That we were hurt. That we saw things that simply needed to be changed for the better. We felt unheard, pushed aside, like we were just trying to make trouble.
I don't say any of this to point fingers. We all were just trying to do what we felt was right, imperfectly. I believe that we agreed to disagree. It didn't make it any easier. We still had to make the hard choice. We were the ones to have to go searching for another church 'family.' A divorce of sorts, when you feel as passionately about your church family as you do about your real family.
"Are you enjoying your new church?" was a sincere question someone asked me a few months after we left. It made me sad because it lacked a real depth of understanding. Didn't they realize how hard this was? Didn't they understand how much it hurt to walk away from something you had invested your heart and soul into? Didn't they know how much pain we felt? That we felt abandoned by some we had trusted for so many years? Didn't they know that simply going to another church didn't make all the hurt go away? I guess maybe they didn't. Maybe they hadn't considered how much pain and grief it had caused us. How deeply it had affected us.
I wish I could say that I am happily adjusted to a new church and that none of this affects me anymore. I can't. I still carry hurt and questions as to why. In this I know I am not alone. At times I talk with others who have had to make the same hard choice and I hear the same hurt and questions as they talk with me about their own experiences. This gives me some comfort - knowing that we are not the only ones. There are others who feel the sadness of leaving church too. They know how hard it is to open up your heart in trust to another church family. Knowing that it will take awhile to feel . . . safe.
As I contemplate all that we have been through, I believe that we made the right decision for our family. I see how we have grown and learned much through this experience. We are different in many positive ways. I get that. I understand that 'all things work together for good . . . ' I have had an attitude of thanksgiving through most of the process. Sometimes it still hurts though.
There were many kind people that empathized with us and noticed that we had left. That helped - a lot. There was even one man who tried to mediate for us after we had left. What a blessing he was. We are so thankful for all he did. He made us feel like we really mattered. Like we were worth 'fighting' for. I think one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me through all of this is a sweet older woman who pulled me aside one day. She said "I wish you guys would come back. We really miss you." Simple. Sweet. Loving. Just what my hurting heart needed to hear.
I don't know what God has for us as we continue to follow Him through the process of life. I know that it is something beautiful and meaningful. A crown of beauty instead of ashes. I know that what we have been through has given us strength and courage. It has built our trust and dependency on Him. Brought us closer to each other and to Him. It has shown us that we will be ok, even when life is not. Taught us to take our eyes off of people and fix them on Him alone. Helped us realize that it is not about being perfect, but about being completely dependent on Him. Proven to us (again) His faithfulness and unconditional love for us.
As we continue to look for a new church, what I really desire is a church that feels like home. A place where people know, accept and love us unconditionally. A place where people can be open, honest and real. Where I am free to be me. No cliques. No partiality. Somewhere they are not too busy to notice and reach out to us in our struggles. Where even on our worst days, they embrace our messiness. A place where they affirm the potential of what God has placed in us. Where they help us in following our dreams and we can help them in following their's. Where they give a call to say that we were missed. A place where they invite us into their lives. Where there is no pretense, striving or agendas. Where people don't give up on us, no matter what. A place free of religion, but thriving with relationship. A place that feels like The Father's embrace.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. Luke 15:20
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Results
I've posted on Facebook that the biopsy results came back and everything is fine. I wanted to write a short blog too because not everyone has Facebook.
It's been a strange week. I've been thinking about life and death and suffering more than usual. I think when you face these types of things it brings those things into focus more. You just can't not think about the 'what ifs' in life. I felt more annoyed by the whole experience than anything else - just because I didn't like the lack of control that I was facing. I didn't really have a choice of whether I wanted to deal with it or not. I had to. I couldn't avoid it and that made me pretty mad deep down inside. I wanted to 'write my own ending' but just couldn't. I had to wait and worry and wonder with no control over the outcome.
Thankfully my outcome was good. I would be writing a completely different blog if it wasn't. I would be facing a whole different set of circumstances and questions and fears. I can't help but think about those who have the opposite outcome from their biopsies and pray for them as they deal with their questions and fears. I know God. I know He will be with me through anything. Maybe they don't. Maybe they feel completely alone and terrified. I pray that they come to know Him and His awesome love and comfort through their experience. I pray that God puts people in their paths to love and care for them and show them His love in very real and tangible ways.
I truly appreciate your prayers and concern for me through my big 'what if' these past few weeks. I know that this whole experience was more bearable and less scary because of those who love me and showed their care for me. I am very grateful. Thank you!
It's been a strange week. I've been thinking about life and death and suffering more than usual. I think when you face these types of things it brings those things into focus more. You just can't not think about the 'what ifs' in life. I felt more annoyed by the whole experience than anything else - just because I didn't like the lack of control that I was facing. I didn't really have a choice of whether I wanted to deal with it or not. I had to. I couldn't avoid it and that made me pretty mad deep down inside. I wanted to 'write my own ending' but just couldn't. I had to wait and worry and wonder with no control over the outcome.
Thankfully my outcome was good. I would be writing a completely different blog if it wasn't. I would be facing a whole different set of circumstances and questions and fears. I can't help but think about those who have the opposite outcome from their biopsies and pray for them as they deal with their questions and fears. I know God. I know He will be with me through anything. Maybe they don't. Maybe they feel completely alone and terrified. I pray that they come to know Him and His awesome love and comfort through their experience. I pray that God puts people in their paths to love and care for them and show them His love in very real and tangible ways.
I truly appreciate your prayers and concern for me through my big 'what if' these past few weeks. I know that this whole experience was more bearable and less scary because of those who love me and showed their care for me. I am very grateful. Thank you!
Psalm 94:18-19When I said, “My
foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was
great within me, your consolation brought me joy.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Biopsy
So, I just found out about a week ago that I need to go in for a biopsy to check out an irregularity on my mammogram. I know that tons of women have to go through this in their lifetime and I know that many women I know have already been through one. Some have received good news, but some have not. I am very hopeful that I will be in the first category.
When we go through these types of things in our lives, our belief system is challenged. Not what we say to someone else who may be going through the same thing, but what we say to ourselves. That deep down belief system - the unshakable one. I believe in God. I know He is good (don't I?) I know that He will not give me more than I can handle (but how does he know what my limit is?) So the questions start surfacing and my belief system is put to the test.
I sat in front of a pastor's wife this morning in church who has been going through chemotherapy and radiation for the past 6 months after being diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. She had very fine hair growing back under a cute black hat she was wearing. She walked forward at the end of the service and her husband prayed for her as she sobbed - I'm sure sick and weary from all the treatments and fears she has been enduring these past months. She has a teenage daughter and little 2 year old boy that they adopted. I spoke to her after the service and she had such a vulnerable look in her eyes. I know her belief system is being challenged right now too.
As I talked to her and looked into her eyes, I couldn't help but wondering if I would have the strength to endure what she is going through right now. It all sounds so - - romantic? heroic? - - when the stories are told, but the reality is more - - terrifying, grueling. When you see the Facebook posts, read the blogs or watch the movies, it all seems strangely wonderful. When you are living it, it all seems too hard.
So tomorrow morning I go in for the procedure and then I wait. The nurse told me that if the news is good, I will hear nothing before the appointment day (10 long days later) - but if the news is bad, the doctor will call so I can bring someone with me to help me process what comes next. The doctor told me that it doesn't look like cancer, but they have to do the biopsy to 'prove it.' I'm thankful for that word of encouragement.
I always hesitate to post these very personal things - I am a pretty private person for the most part. I haven't shared this with many people. I just know that sometimes we need to share - sometimes we need other people to know what we are going through - sometimes we need support and prayer. I also know that sometimes others need to hear our stories because they are going through something or have gone through something too and they need to know that they are not alone. So I guess I needed to share for my sake and maybe for yours too.
2 Cor. 1 (Praise to the God of All Comfort)
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
When we go through these types of things in our lives, our belief system is challenged. Not what we say to someone else who may be going through the same thing, but what we say to ourselves. That deep down belief system - the unshakable one. I believe in God. I know He is good (don't I?) I know that He will not give me more than I can handle (but how does he know what my limit is?) So the questions start surfacing and my belief system is put to the test.
I sat in front of a pastor's wife this morning in church who has been going through chemotherapy and radiation for the past 6 months after being diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. She had very fine hair growing back under a cute black hat she was wearing. She walked forward at the end of the service and her husband prayed for her as she sobbed - I'm sure sick and weary from all the treatments and fears she has been enduring these past months. She has a teenage daughter and little 2 year old boy that they adopted. I spoke to her after the service and she had such a vulnerable look in her eyes. I know her belief system is being challenged right now too.
As I talked to her and looked into her eyes, I couldn't help but wondering if I would have the strength to endure what she is going through right now. It all sounds so - - romantic? heroic? - - when the stories are told, but the reality is more - - terrifying, grueling. When you see the Facebook posts, read the blogs or watch the movies, it all seems strangely wonderful. When you are living it, it all seems too hard.
So tomorrow morning I go in for the procedure and then I wait. The nurse told me that if the news is good, I will hear nothing before the appointment day (10 long days later) - but if the news is bad, the doctor will call so I can bring someone with me to help me process what comes next. The doctor told me that it doesn't look like cancer, but they have to do the biopsy to 'prove it.' I'm thankful for that word of encouragement.
I always hesitate to post these very personal things - I am a pretty private person for the most part. I haven't shared this with many people. I just know that sometimes we need to share - sometimes we need other people to know what we are going through - sometimes we need support and prayer. I also know that sometimes others need to hear our stories because they are going through something or have gone through something too and they need to know that they are not alone. So I guess I needed to share for my sake and maybe for yours too.
2 Cor. 1 (Praise to the God of All Comfort)
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Meeting Nick - The Lemonade Maker
Both of my daughters took some track-racing lessons this summer at the local velodrome. I was there twice a day on Mondays and Wednesdays for a few weeks. I saw an older man in a motorized scooter there often. I just assumed he had a grandchild that was also involved in the lessons. He looked a bit 'rough around the edges' and you could tell that life had not been easy on him. I would usually just smile and say a kind word to him in passing. I often offered to let him have a spot in the shade where I had found a reprieve from the hot summer sun, but he usually declined.
One day I said something more than just a kind word. Something that started him talking. It wasn't at all easy to understand him. He had a hard time speaking his words clearly because of his Parkinson's, but for some reason God has gifted me with the ability to understand people that others often can't. I have to listen very closely and sometimes read between the lines, when I miss a word or two. Maybe it's because I just love to hear people's stories and so I am able to give my undivided attention to what they are saying.
So he began talking and sharing his story. He lives at the nursing home close to the velodrome. He doesn't know anyone who is in the biking program, but he wants to get out and frequently visits the track to watch the races. Sometimes he comes out several times a day. He has to cut through a neighbors yard to get there and mentioned that they don't like it very much. He talked about his wife dying on Father's Day of this year. He talked of a son also dying a few months earlier. He shared that he had Parkinson's and just three years prior had to go into the nursing home for care because he no longer could care for himself.
He had pictures in the front basket of his scooter and quickly got them out with his very shaky hands to show them to me. They were mostly pictures of family and the wooden lawn ornaments that he crafted and sold - even still he has someone do the wood work for him and bring the pieces in for him to paint & assemble. He talked about each picture as I looked through them one by one. This man did not let the grass grow under his feet. Even in his physical condition - he is out and about. He refuses to let the circumstances of his life or any shyness over his condition to keep him down.
As I talked with Nick he inspired me. He showed me by his simple stubbornness to not let life weigh him down that life is what we make out of it. You know the old saying - "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Well Nick is definitely a lemonade maker. His stubborn Pennsylvania Dutch heritage has served him well. He probably frustrates the people at the nursing home who are trying to look out for him - I have a feeling he can be quite non-compliant. He noticed when some of his special T-shirts went missing after laundry day and had them track down who was stealing them (yes - someone was actually stealing and selling the T-shirts because they were old car shirts that have some value to them.) He was scolded for taking his scooter across the busy highway just out front of the home, but he wasn't deterred from doing it again. At his age and in his condition, he is still taking risks and pushing the boundaries. I love it!
I really enjoyed getting to hear Nick's story. He led a very full and active life and did many interesting things - like drag racing (back in the day when they had it at Dorney Park) and restoring an old "Woody" car for a friend. I'm so glad that I took the time to stop and listen to him that day. I only hope that if one day I am old and confined to a scooter, I will have the same kind of spunk and stubbornness to be a lemonade maker like Nick.
One day I said something more than just a kind word. Something that started him talking. It wasn't at all easy to understand him. He had a hard time speaking his words clearly because of his Parkinson's, but for some reason God has gifted me with the ability to understand people that others often can't. I have to listen very closely and sometimes read between the lines, when I miss a word or two. Maybe it's because I just love to hear people's stories and so I am able to give my undivided attention to what they are saying.
So he began talking and sharing his story. He lives at the nursing home close to the velodrome. He doesn't know anyone who is in the biking program, but he wants to get out and frequently visits the track to watch the races. Sometimes he comes out several times a day. He has to cut through a neighbors yard to get there and mentioned that they don't like it very much. He talked about his wife dying on Father's Day of this year. He talked of a son also dying a few months earlier. He shared that he had Parkinson's and just three years prior had to go into the nursing home for care because he no longer could care for himself.
He had pictures in the front basket of his scooter and quickly got them out with his very shaky hands to show them to me. They were mostly pictures of family and the wooden lawn ornaments that he crafted and sold - even still he has someone do the wood work for him and bring the pieces in for him to paint & assemble. He talked about each picture as I looked through them one by one. This man did not let the grass grow under his feet. Even in his physical condition - he is out and about. He refuses to let the circumstances of his life or any shyness over his condition to keep him down.
As I talked with Nick he inspired me. He showed me by his simple stubbornness to not let life weigh him down that life is what we make out of it. You know the old saying - "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Well Nick is definitely a lemonade maker. His stubborn Pennsylvania Dutch heritage has served him well. He probably frustrates the people at the nursing home who are trying to look out for him - I have a feeling he can be quite non-compliant. He noticed when some of his special T-shirts went missing after laundry day and had them track down who was stealing them (yes - someone was actually stealing and selling the T-shirts because they were old car shirts that have some value to them.) He was scolded for taking his scooter across the busy highway just out front of the home, but he wasn't deterred from doing it again. At his age and in his condition, he is still taking risks and pushing the boundaries. I love it!
I really enjoyed getting to hear Nick's story. He led a very full and active life and did many interesting things - like drag racing (back in the day when they had it at Dorney Park) and restoring an old "Woody" car for a friend. I'm so glad that I took the time to stop and listen to him that day. I only hope that if one day I am old and confined to a scooter, I will have the same kind of spunk and stubbornness to be a lemonade maker like Nick.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Sarah and Lisa
I met Sarah and Lisa in October of 2010, but it seems like I've known them for many years. I've spent only two days with them in person. Let me tell you the story. . .
I love the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. It truly changed my life when I first read it over seven years ago. I've read it at least six times since then and each time it refreshes my belief that life is wonderful and that I am very special and important in this world. A few years after first reading the book, I became aware of a Captivating Retreat that is held each year in Colorado. I, of course, immediately wanted to go on one of these retreats. I finally had the opportunity to attend this retreat in October, 2010. I was so excited to be able to go. I was going on my own - not knowing anyone else who would be attending. I communicated with a few of the ladies over the internet in order to prepare for the retreat and find trasportation to and from the airport. I honestly had no idea what to expect and so I left my heart wide open for whatever the Lord had planned for me during that weekend. I thought that I would be on my own for the whole weekend - just experiencing the beauty of my surroundings and the teaching sessions that were planned for us. However, God had a beautiful surprise planned for me - the surprise of two wonderful ladies that he wanted me to meet.
I got into the retreat on Friday afternoon. I settled into my room and met my roommates, all very nice ladies. We had our first meal, which was exceptionally delicious, and our first meeting that night. After the meeting I went out to the darkest spot that I could find and just stood and looked up at all the stars twinkling in the cool, crisp Colorado sky. It was breathtaking! Then I went and sat in the worship room just trying to take in the awesome opportunity that this retreat was to me and talked with God for awhile. I went back to the cabin alone and got dressed for bed. When I went into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, I saw a pretty young woman with blonde hair who was also brushing her teeth. We began talking and soon we were sharing our hearts with each other. After we had been talking quite awhile there were some knocks on the wall from our other cabin mates indicating that we were keeping them awake. We reluctantly finished our conversation and went to bed. My new friend, Sarah, made sure that we would meet up for breakfast in the morning and then we both went off to bed.
The next morning Sarah and I met and walked to breakfast together. Sarah saw another new friend of hers, Lisa, and so we all sat together. I honestly don't remember all of the little details surrounding our friendship - I just know that without really planning or worrying about it, the three of us just always sat together for the rest of the weekend at meals and for the meetings. It was such a wonderful blessing to me. We shared things with each other that weekend that some lifelong friends hesitate to share with each other. We were all open to sharing our hearts with each other. So in two days I became close friends with two very special women.
In the year and several months since meeting and connecting deeply with these women, I have never ceased to thank God for their friendship and support in my life. We have supported each other through many struggles - through the internet and over the phone. During a recent several months of a tough struggle in my life, Lisa, has been a constant encouragement to me. She is the friend who sent the Box of Joy that I wrote about in a previous blog. Sarah was just married a few days ago to a wonderful man - whom she is completely and utterly in love with. It has been such a blessing to me to see her wedding pictures posted by friends on Facebook and celebrate her joy across the many miles that separate us.
As I reflect over how God brought these two women into my life in such an unexpected and special way, I am so very grateful for the friendship and love we have for each other. Even though we all live many miles apart, in different states, the bond we share keeps them very close to my heart.
Lisa & Sarah - as you read this I pray that you feel the love I have in my heart for each one of you! You are each such a huge gift from the Father to me and I am so thankful for you and I miss you so much!
I love the book Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. It truly changed my life when I first read it over seven years ago. I've read it at least six times since then and each time it refreshes my belief that life is wonderful and that I am very special and important in this world. A few years after first reading the book, I became aware of a Captivating Retreat that is held each year in Colorado. I, of course, immediately wanted to go on one of these retreats. I finally had the opportunity to attend this retreat in October, 2010. I was so excited to be able to go. I was going on my own - not knowing anyone else who would be attending. I communicated with a few of the ladies over the internet in order to prepare for the retreat and find trasportation to and from the airport. I honestly had no idea what to expect and so I left my heart wide open for whatever the Lord had planned for me during that weekend. I thought that I would be on my own for the whole weekend - just experiencing the beauty of my surroundings and the teaching sessions that were planned for us. However, God had a beautiful surprise planned for me - the surprise of two wonderful ladies that he wanted me to meet.
I got into the retreat on Friday afternoon. I settled into my room and met my roommates, all very nice ladies. We had our first meal, which was exceptionally delicious, and our first meeting that night. After the meeting I went out to the darkest spot that I could find and just stood and looked up at all the stars twinkling in the cool, crisp Colorado sky. It was breathtaking! Then I went and sat in the worship room just trying to take in the awesome opportunity that this retreat was to me and talked with God for awhile. I went back to the cabin alone and got dressed for bed. When I went into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, I saw a pretty young woman with blonde hair who was also brushing her teeth. We began talking and soon we were sharing our hearts with each other. After we had been talking quite awhile there were some knocks on the wall from our other cabin mates indicating that we were keeping them awake. We reluctantly finished our conversation and went to bed. My new friend, Sarah, made sure that we would meet up for breakfast in the morning and then we both went off to bed.
The next morning Sarah and I met and walked to breakfast together. Sarah saw another new friend of hers, Lisa, and so we all sat together. I honestly don't remember all of the little details surrounding our friendship - I just know that without really planning or worrying about it, the three of us just always sat together for the rest of the weekend at meals and for the meetings. It was such a wonderful blessing to me. We shared things with each other that weekend that some lifelong friends hesitate to share with each other. We were all open to sharing our hearts with each other. So in two days I became close friends with two very special women.
In the year and several months since meeting and connecting deeply with these women, I have never ceased to thank God for their friendship and support in my life. We have supported each other through many struggles - through the internet and over the phone. During a recent several months of a tough struggle in my life, Lisa, has been a constant encouragement to me. She is the friend who sent the Box of Joy that I wrote about in a previous blog. Sarah was just married a few days ago to a wonderful man - whom she is completely and utterly in love with. It has been such a blessing to me to see her wedding pictures posted by friends on Facebook and celebrate her joy across the many miles that separate us.
As I reflect over how God brought these two women into my life in such an unexpected and special way, I am so very grateful for the friendship and love we have for each other. Even though we all live many miles apart, in different states, the bond we share keeps them very close to my heart.
Lisa & Sarah - as you read this I pray that you feel the love I have in my heart for each one of you! You are each such a huge gift from the Father to me and I am so thankful for you and I miss you so much!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Death and Life
I was driving Jarrod to his bike race at the Velodrome on Wednesday night. As I got to one of the intersections on the main road that takes me from our house to the velodrome, there was a road block and we had to take a detour. I was annoyed because we were running a bit late and I still needed to stop and pick up batteries for the camera before we got there. I took the detour and we got there on time. I didn't really give any thought as to why there was a detour.
Later that day Scott told me that there had been a bad accident on that road, and that some of the people had been seriously injured. I felt bad at my annoyance over the inconvenience of taking a detour, but with a busy life, again I didn't really give it any thought.
Last night Scott put the obituary section of the local newspaper on the kitchen table and shared that we had known the lady that had been killed in the accident. Her name was Brandi and she was the waitress that had served us the last time we visited a local diner. The picture of her is from when she was younger and I honestly didn't recognize her face. Scott remembers everyone though - so he did.
I'm just struck at how all this life and death happens all around me and sometimes I am barely even aware of it. Caught up in the urgency of getting where I am going, taking care of family and kids, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by all the details sometimes. That day, I wonder if she too was caught up in it all - trying to get her kids somewhere on time and running a bit late, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by it all. Then all of a sudden there was an unexpected collision and she breathed her last breath - entered eternity in a matter of seconds and it was all behind her. She was 2 years younger than I am. She had a family to take care of too, a job, a husband, so many responsibilities, so many people who needed her here.
Life is uncertain. Life is hectic, frustrating, overwhelming - it sucks the life out of us sometimes. It is life though and death stops it dead in it's tracks. Then we have no more opportunities to make things better - to love more, forgive more, laugh more, cry more, live more imperfect days together with everyone else alive. When we go to the diner now, she will never again bring us our little pots of hot water for tea or our 2 eggs over light with wheat toast and home fries. We will never have a chance to be gracious and thankful for her service and give her a good tip for serving us so well. Her children will miss her smile and even her scolding. Her husband will miss her warm body next to his in bed at night. Her friends and co-workers will miss her laugh and spunk.
So as I live another day, I will try to remember that people need me too and I need them. I will try to be thankful for life even on the hard days and not wish it away. One day it will be over. That will come too quickly and possibly when I least expect it, like it did for Brandi. I will try not to be annoyed at the inconveniences that life brings, because that is part of life and being alive. When we are alive we are imperfect, life is imperfect, others are imperfect and that makes life imperfectly perfect. I will try to accept and enjoy this imperfectly perfect life one day at a time and pray that I have many more days to do so.
As I was typing my blog this morning, my youngest came and brought me tea and oatmeal for breakfast (not sure why.) She just asked me if I wanted orange juice too and if I liked my toast dark or light. Just another reminder of how imperfectly perfect my life can be. Being treated to breakfast by my own little waitress this morning.
Rest in Peace, Brandi. Praying that you are with the Father this morning, enjoying breakfast and being served at His table.
Later that day Scott told me that there had been a bad accident on that road, and that some of the people had been seriously injured. I felt bad at my annoyance over the inconvenience of taking a detour, but with a busy life, again I didn't really give it any thought.
Last night Scott put the obituary section of the local newspaper on the kitchen table and shared that we had known the lady that had been killed in the accident. Her name was Brandi and she was the waitress that had served us the last time we visited a local diner. The picture of her is from when she was younger and I honestly didn't recognize her face. Scott remembers everyone though - so he did.
I'm just struck at how all this life and death happens all around me and sometimes I am barely even aware of it. Caught up in the urgency of getting where I am going, taking care of family and kids, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by all the details sometimes. That day, I wonder if she too was caught up in it all - trying to get her kids somewhere on time and running a bit late, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by it all. Then all of a sudden there was an unexpected collision and she breathed her last breath - entered eternity in a matter of seconds and it was all behind her. She was 2 years younger than I am. She had a family to take care of too, a job, a husband, so many responsibilities, so many people who needed her here.
Life is uncertain. Life is hectic, frustrating, overwhelming - it sucks the life out of us sometimes. It is life though and death stops it dead in it's tracks. Then we have no more opportunities to make things better - to love more, forgive more, laugh more, cry more, live more imperfect days together with everyone else alive. When we go to the diner now, she will never again bring us our little pots of hot water for tea or our 2 eggs over light with wheat toast and home fries. We will never have a chance to be gracious and thankful for her service and give her a good tip for serving us so well. Her children will miss her smile and even her scolding. Her husband will miss her warm body next to his in bed at night. Her friends and co-workers will miss her laugh and spunk.
So as I live another day, I will try to remember that people need me too and I need them. I will try to be thankful for life even on the hard days and not wish it away. One day it will be over. That will come too quickly and possibly when I least expect it, like it did for Brandi. I will try not to be annoyed at the inconveniences that life brings, because that is part of life and being alive. When we are alive we are imperfect, life is imperfect, others are imperfect and that makes life imperfectly perfect. I will try to accept and enjoy this imperfectly perfect life one day at a time and pray that I have many more days to do so.
As I was typing my blog this morning, my youngest came and brought me tea and oatmeal for breakfast (not sure why.) She just asked me if I wanted orange juice too and if I liked my toast dark or light. Just another reminder of how imperfectly perfect my life can be. Being treated to breakfast by my own little waitress this morning.
Rest in Peace, Brandi. Praying that you are with the Father this morning, enjoying breakfast and being served at His table.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Visiting Church
For years I viewed church as a location, a building, an activity. Something that involved leaving your home and going elsewhere to be involved in a service or ministry or some God related business. When I say the word church, that is still the main idea that comes to my mind.
I have since come to learn that church is actually a group of people. Me and you (if you are a follower of Jesus) and others who believe in what God did through the work of Jesus Christ. We are the temple of God - we carry Him around in these imperfect, unpredictable bodies and show the world by our actions who He is. Kind of a scary thought when I realize how many mistakes I make in any given day. So the church is the people - not the location or the special activity. Wherever two or three come together in His name.
Well anyway - yesterday I visited a church. A congregation that meets in a specific location to 'worship' (another word that has different meanings for different people.) It was a Lutheran church. Very traditional, with organ music, liturgy, standing and sitting when instructed and a service completely printed in the bulletin. It wasn't a format I was used to - very structured, very subdued, very 'old style.' I went with my family because we were invited by a good friend for Friendship Sunday - an older woman who has been very involved at this church for most of her adult life. We went to encourage her. She was pleasantly surprised and very pleased that we came. That alone made the visit worthwhile. It blessed my heart to be a blessing to her. My children learned a good lesson and we had a very nice time. We especially liked the treats at the 'coffee hour' afterwards even with 2 over-zealous camp directors trying to convince us to send our children to their summer camp program. Our friend was a little embarrassed, but I honestly love passionate people who believe in what they are doing.
Since I don't go to this type of church usually, I was really soaking in the atmosphere and format of the service. I loved the old sanctuary - the pews, the posts holding up the U-shaped upper sanctuary (where the organ was also located) and the beautiful stained-glass windows. The pastors (one female, one male) stood up front - one on the right, the other on the left. The female pastor gave the children's message to the children who came to the front. The male pastor gave the adult message from the high center pulpit. It was a good, encouraging message. What I was most impressed with though was the depth of the Biblical truths that everyone read out loud together. If you really focused on what you were saying - it was pretty powerful.
I kept the bulletin, because everything we did in the service was printed in the bulletin (which is very helpful when you want to remember something important that you learned.) I wanted to share one particular piece that we read out loud together that really impacted me. It was the Affirmation of Faith:
Pastor: "Let us say again what we believe."
People: "We believe there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, and we know that in everything God works for good in those who love God, who are called according to God's purpose. We are sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen."
Wow! Awesome. Powerful. Truth. Everyone reading it together - agreeing together that this is what we believe. It was wonderful.
The whole service was filled with similar truths that everyone read together in unison. There was a Prayer of Confession: "Forgive us, renew us and lead us so that we may delight in your will and follow in your ways, to the glory of your name. Amen." Another prayer went like this "God of amazing surprises . . . Put us in touch with truth that cleanses and makes us whole so we can relate to others in ways that reconcile and redeem." The Offertory Prayer: "We give with joy, gracious God, for you have been with us even when we were unfaithful. . . .We give now that your church may be empowered in the proclamation of the good news and the transformation of human life." And the Dismissal: "We will open our eyes to the goodness of God. We seek to follow faithfully where Christ leads. What we will become has not yet been revealed. We are confident in God's will for us. Amen."
Each one was a wonderful affirmation of truths that I hold dear. Each one drove home that I really, deeply believe these things and that I can keep going each day because I do. They took me away from the craziness and unsteadiness of life and put me back on the strong foundation of what I know is true and right. It was a blessing to me and I really appreciated their dedication to these Biblical truths and the impact that it has on all those who attend.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38&39
I have since come to learn that church is actually a group of people. Me and you (if you are a follower of Jesus) and others who believe in what God did through the work of Jesus Christ. We are the temple of God - we carry Him around in these imperfect, unpredictable bodies and show the world by our actions who He is. Kind of a scary thought when I realize how many mistakes I make in any given day. So the church is the people - not the location or the special activity. Wherever two or three come together in His name.
Well anyway - yesterday I visited a church. A congregation that meets in a specific location to 'worship' (another word that has different meanings for different people.) It was a Lutheran church. Very traditional, with organ music, liturgy, standing and sitting when instructed and a service completely printed in the bulletin. It wasn't a format I was used to - very structured, very subdued, very 'old style.' I went with my family because we were invited by a good friend for Friendship Sunday - an older woman who has been very involved at this church for most of her adult life. We went to encourage her. She was pleasantly surprised and very pleased that we came. That alone made the visit worthwhile. It blessed my heart to be a blessing to her. My children learned a good lesson and we had a very nice time. We especially liked the treats at the 'coffee hour' afterwards even with 2 over-zealous camp directors trying to convince us to send our children to their summer camp program. Our friend was a little embarrassed, but I honestly love passionate people who believe in what they are doing.
Since I don't go to this type of church usually, I was really soaking in the atmosphere and format of the service. I loved the old sanctuary - the pews, the posts holding up the U-shaped upper sanctuary (where the organ was also located) and the beautiful stained-glass windows. The pastors (one female, one male) stood up front - one on the right, the other on the left. The female pastor gave the children's message to the children who came to the front. The male pastor gave the adult message from the high center pulpit. It was a good, encouraging message. What I was most impressed with though was the depth of the Biblical truths that everyone read out loud together. If you really focused on what you were saying - it was pretty powerful.
I kept the bulletin, because everything we did in the service was printed in the bulletin (which is very helpful when you want to remember something important that you learned.) I wanted to share one particular piece that we read out loud together that really impacted me. It was the Affirmation of Faith:
Pastor: "Let us say again what we believe."
People: "We believe there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, and we know that in everything God works for good in those who love God, who are called according to God's purpose. We are sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen."
Wow! Awesome. Powerful. Truth. Everyone reading it together - agreeing together that this is what we believe. It was wonderful.
The whole service was filled with similar truths that everyone read together in unison. There was a Prayer of Confession: "Forgive us, renew us and lead us so that we may delight in your will and follow in your ways, to the glory of your name. Amen." Another prayer went like this "God of amazing surprises . . . Put us in touch with truth that cleanses and makes us whole so we can relate to others in ways that reconcile and redeem." The Offertory Prayer: "We give with joy, gracious God, for you have been with us even when we were unfaithful. . . .We give now that your church may be empowered in the proclamation of the good news and the transformation of human life." And the Dismissal: "We will open our eyes to the goodness of God. We seek to follow faithfully where Christ leads. What we will become has not yet been revealed. We are confident in God's will for us. Amen."
Each one was a wonderful affirmation of truths that I hold dear. Each one drove home that I really, deeply believe these things and that I can keep going each day because I do. They took me away from the craziness and unsteadiness of life and put me back on the strong foundation of what I know is true and right. It was a blessing to me and I really appreciated their dedication to these Biblical truths and the impact that it has on all those who attend.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38&39
Friday, April 13, 2012
Box of Joy
I'm weighed down right now with life. A father's death. A son's struggle in school. A transition in a key area of life. Each one by itself is hard to deal with - but combined they feel like a punch in the gut.
I'm strong. At least I've always tried to be. I don't over-dramatize life. I take things in stride - mostly. Right now though I feel like I'm way over capacity emotionally.
Maybe you're there too. Maybe you've been there. If so, you'll understand why this loving act of friendship means so much to me.
I came home today from a tough meeting and there was a package on my front porch from a friend who I spent 3 days with a year and a half ago, but feels like I've known her my whole life. She knows what I am going through. She put together a Box of Joy for me. A book called "One Thousand Gifts." A package of journals decorated with scrapbooking materials. A photo book (she is an amazing photographer) full of her own pictures of God's beautiful creation each with a Bible verse added. A banner she made spelling JOY. A bag of mini M&Ms. A note saying that it was all packed with love (the most precious thing in the package.) I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this. What a special gift.
I hope that this struggle that I am going through won't last too much longer but if it does, I am so thankful for friends who love me and walk through the hard times with me. It is almost worth it all to come home and find a Box of Joy waiting for me on my front porch.
A friend loves at all times.
Proverbs 17:17
I'm strong. At least I've always tried to be. I don't over-dramatize life. I take things in stride - mostly. Right now though I feel like I'm way over capacity emotionally.
Maybe you're there too. Maybe you've been there. If so, you'll understand why this loving act of friendship means so much to me.
I came home today from a tough meeting and there was a package on my front porch from a friend who I spent 3 days with a year and a half ago, but feels like I've known her my whole life. She knows what I am going through. She put together a Box of Joy for me. A book called "One Thousand Gifts." A package of journals decorated with scrapbooking materials. A photo book (she is an amazing photographer) full of her own pictures of God's beautiful creation each with a Bible verse added. A banner she made spelling JOY. A bag of mini M&Ms. A note saying that it was all packed with love (the most precious thing in the package.) I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this. What a special gift.
I hope that this struggle that I am going through won't last too much longer but if it does, I am so thankful for friends who love me and walk through the hard times with me. It is almost worth it all to come home and find a Box of Joy waiting for me on my front porch.
A friend loves at all times.
Proverbs 17:17
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Uncle Leroy & Aunt Nell
Once a year, usually around the end of summer, my Uncle Leroy and Aunt Nell come up from Alabama to attend his high school reunion. A few years ago, two of my sisters and I made a point of getting our families together while they were here to spend time together. At first it was a pleasant, fun thing to do. After a year or two though, it became something that I looked forward to. Something that I really enjoyed.
My Uncle Leroy is a dear, sweet, kind man. Even though he was born and raised in Pennsylvania, he's lived down south since his college years and has acquired a soft, southern drawl. His wife, if possible, is even sweeter than he. When they come to visit they are always so full of kind, encouraging words for each of us. I don't know if you'll understand this, but being around them feels like being home to me. That safe place where you are always loved and are free to be yourself.
You need to understand that I didn't experience that kind of a safe home growing up. My own father, Uncle Leroy's brother, is about as opposite of him as you can get. I lived with a lot of fear, anger and harsh judgment. I never felt relaxed or safe. Always on guard. Always trying to gain approval. Never feeling that unconditional love my heart longed for.
Over the past several years, Uncle Leroy and Aunt Nell have become so special to me. They have shown me the love and acceptance that I've always wanted from my own parents, but rarely received. More than once I have held back tears as I've wondered why I couldn't have been born to parents like this. More than once I've wondered why my parents couldn't see in me what these sweet, kind people see. Someone to be proud of. Someone to love.
This past Thanksgiving, I received a call from my sister, Kathi. I could tell she was upset. She had received a call from Alabama telling her that Uncle Leroy had a stroke. They found him in his garden outside, alone. It had been a bad one (not that any are good) it had incapacitated him in many ways. He can walk and eat, but he is no longer able to talk or reason like an adult. His mental capacity is like a 3 year old. He was in rehab for many weeks. At the same time, Aunt Nell had also been in the hospital for a serious medical condition that almost took her life. They were both sick and needed each other, but they were apart and unable to help themselves or each other. It was hard thinking about them through the holidays - knowing that this was not even close to an ideal holiday time for them.
I just talked to my sister, Kathi, a few days ago. She said that Aunt Nell had to make a decision to either put Uncle Leroy in a nursing home or bring him back to their home. She decided to bring him back home with her. She is not bitter, angry or upset. In fact she told my sister that she had so much to be thankful for - all the years that they shared together, all their wonderful memories. I am amazed by her perspective and how she continues to be loving and grateful, even in the middle of a very hard time.
I am so thankful that for the past few years I was able to get to know my Uncle Leroy and Aunt Nell. I know that they have helped me to heal from some of the wounds of my past. I know that God brought them into my life to speak words of love and encouragement to my hurting heart. I understand that they have filled in some of the 'pieces of my puzzle.' I pray for them at night when I put my girls to bed and I wish I could be close by to help them.
As I think about them tonight, I feel privileged to be related to two such wonderful people. I feel a responsibility to carry on their legacy of kindness and love to those God entrusts to me. I pray that I am able to speak into other's lives some of what Uncle Leroy and Aunt Nell have spoken into mine.
"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers."
Ephesians 1:16
My Uncle Leroy is a dear, sweet, kind man. Even though he was born and raised in Pennsylvania, he's lived down south since his college years and has acquired a soft, southern drawl. His wife, if possible, is even sweeter than he. When they come to visit they are always so full of kind, encouraging words for each of us. I don't know if you'll understand this, but being around them feels like being home to me. That safe place where you are always loved and are free to be yourself.
You need to understand that I didn't experience that kind of a safe home growing up. My own father, Uncle Leroy's brother, is about as opposite of him as you can get. I lived with a lot of fear, anger and harsh judgment. I never felt relaxed or safe. Always on guard. Always trying to gain approval. Never feeling that unconditional love my heart longed for.
Over the past several years, Uncle Leroy and Aunt Nell have become so special to me. They have shown me the love and acceptance that I've always wanted from my own parents, but rarely received. More than once I have held back tears as I've wondered why I couldn't have been born to parents like this. More than once I've wondered why my parents couldn't see in me what these sweet, kind people see. Someone to be proud of. Someone to love.
This past Thanksgiving, I received a call from my sister, Kathi. I could tell she was upset. She had received a call from Alabama telling her that Uncle Leroy had a stroke. They found him in his garden outside, alone. It had been a bad one (not that any are good) it had incapacitated him in many ways. He can walk and eat, but he is no longer able to talk or reason like an adult. His mental capacity is like a 3 year old. He was in rehab for many weeks. At the same time, Aunt Nell had also been in the hospital for a serious medical condition that almost took her life. They were both sick and needed each other, but they were apart and unable to help themselves or each other. It was hard thinking about them through the holidays - knowing that this was not even close to an ideal holiday time for them.
I just talked to my sister, Kathi, a few days ago. She said that Aunt Nell had to make a decision to either put Uncle Leroy in a nursing home or bring him back to their home. She decided to bring him back home with her. She is not bitter, angry or upset. In fact she told my sister that she had so much to be thankful for - all the years that they shared together, all their wonderful memories. I am amazed by her perspective and how she continues to be loving and grateful, even in the middle of a very hard time.
I am so thankful that for the past few years I was able to get to know my Uncle Leroy and Aunt Nell. I know that they have helped me to heal from some of the wounds of my past. I know that God brought them into my life to speak words of love and encouragement to my hurting heart. I understand that they have filled in some of the 'pieces of my puzzle.' I pray for them at night when I put my girls to bed and I wish I could be close by to help them.
As I think about them tonight, I feel privileged to be related to two such wonderful people. I feel a responsibility to carry on their legacy of kindness and love to those God entrusts to me. I pray that I am able to speak into other's lives some of what Uncle Leroy and Aunt Nell have spoken into mine.
"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers."
Ephesians 1:16
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